Kargauer — Making Friends Than Teammates
Kargauers have the ability to befriend anyone. Their charming looks and outgoing personality make people naturally want to obey them.
Let’s make this relatable first. So, you’re in a group assignment and you find that your usual buddies are all taken and you ended with a completely new cast of people that you never interacted with at all, how do you… deal with that?
Well, this is what happened to me. There was 6 of us, and only 5 can fit on a team, so I offered (read: sacrificed) myself to be the one out. It just so happened that I couldn’t find any other group that have people I interact with. So I just find a vacant group and went in. Or well, it went something like…
As you can see I didn’t have the best reply for them, basically a robot, while they were being so much open and coooool-ish. You won’t be sure how to treat other people at first, it’s only natural that some people may be extra reserved while others can be way more open that you would ever be.
So, again, how do you deal with that?
Humans Are Complex
Take a look at this review page of a book. Do you notice anything? Yes, that’s right, it’s plastered mixed reviews. The book is a self-help book that deals in how you can be more of a “people person”.
You can read the actual advice on the books here. To me personally, there is nothing wrong with what’s written there, they are valid ways in which you can make a lot of good friends. But, when you read them carefully, they are targeted to a specific group and a specific time. Nowadays if someone were to come up with the same idea, they would no doubt tank in their sales.
If you have a chance, read one or two of the reviews. It gives you a much more in-depth insight to the myriad of ways specific individual perceives the advice and how it may not work on some people. There is no one true answer to how you should establish relationship with people. Everyone is different, and you yourself matter as much as the other person.
The following will be how I choose to approach things. Please do not blindly follow this or any other guide online. You have a brain, you can decide for yourself.
Profiling
First, get to know each person, and by that I mean try to find out what they’re like as a person. It may be hard to form a complex opinion on someone at first, so it’s okay to label them with one word adjective such as “Relaxed” or “Serious”.
This is to help you guess how best to approach them and it relies both on your personality and theirs. For example, if they’re a more relaxed person, it might be best that you crack some joke if you’re more of the confident type or get them to engage you more by asking questions instead.
Now I know what you’re saying, “But that’s generalization! They may not be like that!”. And yes, I get it. However, humans naturally generalize things, that’s why when we see sharks or lions we become afraid. Use this generalization to as a weapon.
Engage Them
After you know how to approach them, find something you both can latch onto for conversations. There are a few ways to do this, depending on what type of person you are or they are, one might be better than the others.
My favorite way to start a conversation is to ask questions. People love to answer questions related to them or their hobbies. Ask open ended questions, stuff they can elaborate more on. Phrase it in such a way that it invites engagement, such as “How do you find X” instead of “Is X fun?”.
Now, after you get them to talk, listen. Give feedback to show that you’re listening and try to not make it about you when they’re doing their bit. Take note of what they say, how they present their information, and if they seem that they’re about to stop.
It’s very tempting to give your own take in the conversation, but never cut them off unless they’re done with what they wanted to share. To know when to switch is a really important yet hard skill to get. You do it to early and the other person will feel bad, do it too late and the conversation would’ve over by then.
Honesty vs Politeness
Yet that is not the hardest part. The hardest part is being genuinely interested in that person or in that topic. You may find yourself bored while the other guy chips away at their keyboard. Now what should you do in this situation?
A more diplomatic answer would be that you should finish listening to them pretending you care. While in some cases saying the truth is better for yourself. This is where human complexity and what you’ve learned from your profiling kicks in.
By knowing what kind of person they are, you know how likely they are to respond to each way. If they’re prone to being annoyed, it might be better to go the diplomatic route. If they’re more relaxed, you may even be able to tell them straight up.
From this article, you can see the importance of balancing both honestly and politeness. Never do things that goes against your beliefs. It might be a good social skill to know what to say when to say it to whom, but you are as important as they are. Know that true friends would try to understand you as much as you try to understand them.
Bonding Exercise
To further connect with them, suggest a bonding exercise. Now you might think that this is that weird game that you’re forced to do whenever you get a random team on an school event. Well, you’d be correct, but that’s not what it has to be.
The most natural way is through interest, find a common ground that you and your teammates have. For example, one of my conversations revealed that we know some weird books. We begin to share what we books we like and suddenly we all know more about each other’s interest. Now we have even more topics to talk about!
Now, they say that action speaks louder than words, and they’re right. Another thing you might consider is to do activities together, such as a watchalong or game-nights. These helps create bonds in ways that you might not realize.
This article about the benefits of play greatly summarizes why playing games might strengthen relationships. To quote:
Through games, children learn to understand the rules of how to treat each other. They figure out what is fair and what is not, and learn about losing and winning together. Playing with others teaches kids about teamwork and strategy. Meanwhile, they are picking up invaluable social skills and, most importantly, making friends for life.
Playing games reveal what words cannot reveal, your attitude towards many things are open for other to see. They can figure you out for the real you, and not just the you you’ve been saying.
Sharing Is Caring
The final burden that you have to overcome is sharing your insecurities with others. People naturally don’t want to talk their weakness or what they’re lacking, yet to a friend, the information is all the more precious. It may be hard to decide when you should tell others, but I believe you’ll know when the time is right.
Show that you’re fully exposing yourself for who you are in front of others. You may not want to look uncool or weak, but bringing yourself out there and telling others is the biggest sign of trust and it gives a ton of insight to their perception of you. To quote Criss Jami:
“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”
To be honest, I don’t have any sort of witty or in-depth explanation for this section. I believe that this often gets overlooked by others. Of course you don’t just go around and start telling people your problems, that makes it seem needy or pretentious.
My message is to not be afraid to share things you’re not normally comfortable with sharing. A friend of mine recently shared their “backstory” of going through their parent’s divorce, and I connected deeply with that story because I went though a similar experience. It shows how little you actually know about the other person and encourages you to keep engaging further.
Maintaining The Relationship
Okay, you’ve officially made friends with them, great! But that’s not the last that you need to do. We’re speaking in terms of a scrum team of course, so in this section, I have some pointers to help maintain a healthy relationship.
Multiple Perspective
What I’ve pointed out in the sections above is that people are different. They are complex beings with each thinking slightly differently. A key ability to have is to see problems from multiple perspective. Whenever something arises between you and other people, try to put yourself in their shoes as well as a third person’s shoes.
This is what people call empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Your partners will appreciate you more when you seem more relatable. If you cannot imagine their feelings or don’t think you feel the same way, let them know that you tried and truly cared.
Avoid Projecting Yourself
Of course, you have your own share of problems. But remember earlier sections? Never make this about you. When someone comes to you talking about a problem and themselves, never compare their problem to your own problem, not even in your own heart.
While this may also seem like empathy, it’s actually the opposite. This usually becomes a problem when you think of yourself as the more important individual. Bear in mind that you’re both in the same team and is aiming for the same goal.
Communicate First
Always tell others of your problems and ask others of their problem. Pay close attention to how you word or say things if it’s personal. You want to give them the most concise and clear version then elaborate when asked. Consult them about your issues and offer help or advice on their issues.
Issues might not always be negative, it can be just something that needs talking about. When a problem arises concerning the future of the team or one of the individuals of the team, you and others need to communicate and talk it out before jumping the gun.
Listen and Give Feedback
Be a good listener. Make sure you understand what they’re talking about, process what has been said through the many steps above, and give meaningful feedback. This helps encourage the talker to share more information and possibly even make their day.
Meaningful feedback is a crucial part of this. Sometimes you might not know what to say. In such cases do not attempt try botching something profound, just tell them that you’re listening, you understood, and you are there for them.
Conclusion
This article sums up how to deal and make friends with new people and how to maintain that relationship going forward. While I believe that I’m only stating the obvious here, they’re often taken lightly. As a result, lesser version of what’s written is actually practiced.
Get to know what kind of person they are at first. Make sure to find the right approach to them and try engaging them with asking questions or starting conversation about a common interest. Stay polite but honest, consider what you know about them for how to deal with them.
Do bonding exercises to further improve relations with one another as they might reveal a side that someone might never reveal themselves. Show them not just your strengths, but also your weakness. Pay attention to the timing of both as to not appear obnoxious.
Maintain relationship with them by being empathetic, putting yourself in their shoes. Don’t project yourself on others, save your problems for your own turn. Communicate first whenever an issue arise, try to say partial to your emotions. Listen to others and let them know that you are listening.
Beyond that, every team is unique, so you’ll have to figure things out for yourself. Good luck.
References
- Because I care: A collection of thoughts — https://books.google.co.id/books/about/Because_I_Care.html?id=V8VBDwAAQBAJ&source=kp_book_description&redir_esc=y
- How To Make Friends and Influence People — https://www.forbes.com/sites/francesbridges/2018/02/07/10-ways-to-make-people-like-you-from-how-to-make-friends-and-influence-people/?sh=44bb56154bb4
- Balancing Politeness and Honesty — https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/polite-vs-honest.html
- The Benefits of Play — https://cartamundi.com/en/cases/benefits-play-strengthening-bonds/